HUMOUR PAGE 1

KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY!

The Economy Is So Bad...

-- Women are having sex with their husbands and boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.
-- Jury duty is now considered a good-paying job.
-- Banks are now mailing us pre-declined credit cards.
-- African TV now shows "sponsor an American child" commercials.
-- CEO's are playing miniature golf.
-- Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
-- ATMs now give IOUs!
-- A stripper was bruised when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies.
-- Mormon polygamists now have only one wife.
-- If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", you ask if they mean you or them.
-- McDonald's is now selling a quarter-ouncer.
-- Beverly Hills parents are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
-- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
-- A picture is now worth only 200 words.
-- They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".

A Tale Of Mortifying Tragedy

Housework used to be a woman's job but, one evening, Janice returned from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished!
It turned out that her husband, Chuck, had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex."
The night went very well.
The next day, Janice told her friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids clean with their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ... Chuck was too tired."

Shopping For A Bathing Suit

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked ..."Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

The Toilet

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie returned home and soon realized Lucy's predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The Emergency Room doctor got her into a  position where he could study how best to free her (try to get a mental picture of this).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed before."

DOH! Man Taken To Hospital To Have Toilet Seat Removed

ELKTON, Maryland, USA -- There's nothing worse than having an embarrassing moment, unless it is knowing that your embarrassing moment was caused by a prankster.
Such is the case of a man who sat on a glue-covered toilet seat in a Walmart in Elkton, Maryland. The man  suffered minor injuries but authorities said the perpetrator of the prank could land in jail.
Police, paramedics and firefighters were summoned to the store in Elkton on March 31, at about 7 p.m. EDT.
Firefighters spent 15 minutes getting the victim off the john. The victim, identified only as a 48-year-old man, had to be taken to Union Hospital of Cecil County with the toilet seat still glued to his rear end, said Lt. Matthew Donnelly of the Elkton Police Department.
The seat was finally removed at the hospital, leaving the man with only minor injuries.
Lt. Donnelly said the person who carried out the prank could be charged with second-degree assault. Investigators say the attack appears to have been someone's idea of fun and the victim was simply unlucky.

 

      

Real Men Eat Quickies

A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.
"What would you like, sir?" she asks.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust.
After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.

At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Winter-Spring Romance

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that, after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his young bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other but, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Alzheimers - it has its advantages!!

Will Rogers' Words of Wisdom

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Always drink upstream from the herd.

3. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

4. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

5. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

8. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

9. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

10. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

(Editor: Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) is one of Americans' favorite humorists. He performed on stage, on radio and in movies.)